jokes (keep it clean)

Lighten up a little and talk about movies, music, books and recipes and more... this forum provides the flip side to the intense and serious discussion taking place in other forums. No topic is off-limit here so long as it is within the accepted norms of decency and decorum.
incredible
Posts: 1034
Joined: Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:44 pm

jokes (keep it clean)

#1

Unread post by incredible » Sat Aug 07, 2010 2:14 am

lets share some really hilarious jokes which u find in every day life...or u have read it some where.



incredible
Posts: 1034
Joined: Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:44 pm

#2

Unread post by incredible » Sat Aug 07, 2010 2:17 am

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.




incredible
Posts: 1034
Joined: Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:44 pm

#4

Unread post by incredible » Sat Aug 07, 2010 2:26 am

A Fact of Life:
After Monday and
Tuesday even the
calendar says



W T F .......



saif
Posts: 167
Joined: Sun Dec 23, 2001 5:01 am

#5

Unread post by saif » Thu Aug 12, 2010 6:20 am

Aqua Moula is visiting town and all the Bohri residents are dressed up in their best komi libas. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from their Moula shouting, yelling and screaming "Moula, Moula Moula. "

One local man has put on his best STA (sayo, topi and fasle dadhi) and he's sure Moula will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking Bohri bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Moula comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local best attired man without talking to him.

The best attired man can't believe it, then it hits him. The Moula probably won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people the poor and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum 100 Rupees to trade clothes etc. with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Moula to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Moula walks right up to him (the previously best dressed man - now in the bum's clothing) this time, leans over close and says in lisan-e-dawat "Tane ek baar aale Imam-e-zamaan ye kithoo ne ke jahannam ma jaa, kem soonto nathee" ("I thought I already told you once to get the hell out of here! Why don't you listen?" )



saif
Posts: 167
Joined: Sun Dec 23, 2001 5:01 am

#6

Unread post by saif » Fri Aug 27, 2010 10:59 am

1. http://iranpoliticsclub.net/photos/chador2/index.htm

scroll/Go all the way down
[size=150][b]2. Muslims Cancel Eid to Please America[/b][/size]

Written by: Hamzah Moin for Maniac Muslim: http://maniacmuslim.com/

New York – In a move that was expected by many people, Muslims around the world have canceled their religious celebration known as Eid ul-Fitr to accommodate American sensitivities. “It was a natural thing to do,” said Imam Tariq Shakir, the lesser-known back-up Imam of Ground Zero Mosque, “Can you imagine what would happen if a bunch of Muslims were hooting and laughing on September 11th?”

Eid-ul-Fitr is a day that marks the end of Ramadan and it has been celebrated worldwide by Muslims for over 1400 years. Except this year. With the Islamic lunar calendar being 10 or 11 days shorter than the Gregorian calendar, Eid could potentially fall on September 11th this year, depending on the moon sighting. “I have American friends who are very sensitive about September 11th” said Imam Tariq, “My neighbour always cries when he looks at his watch and it says 9:11 so I don’t want to offend him.”
To make a couple of Americans even happier, the Muslim community in New York has agreed to shut down the Ground Zero Mosque. “I applaud the Muslim community for keeping Ground Zero a sacred place,” said Ground Zero mosque opponent Newt Gingrich. “Now we have a perfect spot to build a new McDonalds. Ba-ba-ba-ba-bah I’m loving it.”

Inspired by the Muslim community’s interest in not offending a single soul, the Christian community decided to close down churches in all areas with a high density of African-Americans. “The Ku Klux Klan did some not-so-nice things to black people a couple of decades ago,” explained priest Bob Parker, “The Klan doesn’t represent Christianity but they claim they do. That makes all Christians collectively guilty for the KKK’s behaviour for some reason. Thank you Muslims for inspiring us.”

Other Muslims are enjoying the new sense of belonging in America. “Who knew integrating with our fellow Americans would be so easy?” said Khalid Usman, “all I had to do was start shaving my beard and stop taking the airplane everywhere. It takes me a few months to get to South Asia by boat but at least Americans aren’t scared of me anymore.”

Local Niqabi Sajida Syed has also stopped doing suspicious Muslim things like giving to the poor and dropped the niqab getup in favour of a ninja outfit. “Ninjas are much more accepted in society and people are high-fiving me wherever I go now.”

Imam Tariq is optimistic about the future. “9/11 was hard for all Americans, both Muslims and non-Muslims. Once all Americans agree to stop watching Fox News and getting scared out of their wits then we’ll all start living in greater harmony. Or until homeland security kicks out all the Muslims. Whatever comes first.”



SBM
Posts: 6171
Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 4:01 am

#7

Unread post by SBM » Fri Dec 24, 2010 12:23 pm

Christmas Eve 24 rakat washer; Har rakat ma jingle bells ni surat ek waar ane christmas carol charti pareyeh,
Aaje Santa Clause bhai saheb har mumineen na ghar ma tashreef rakhse,
Iltimaas chhe ke Christmas Tree na paase faakhir cover araz kare.
Aap saghlane MERRY XMAS



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#8

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Fri Dec 24, 2010 4:17 pm

Bro Oma,

Allow me to improve on the above :-

Christmas Eve 24 rakat washek : Har rakat ma jingle bell
ni surat ek waar ane christmas carol charti pareh.
Aaje Santa Claus Bhai saheb har mumin na ghar ma tashreef laavse.

Iltimas chhe ke Christmas Tree na paase Fakhir Najwa araz kare.
Aap sagla ne MERRY XMAS Mohanna thai !
PEEVA MA YAAD. :) :)



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#9

Unread post by Conscíous » Wed Apr 06, 2011 7:10 pm

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake. :wink:



stranger
Posts: 517
Joined: Tue Mar 15, 2011 8:27 am

#10

Unread post by stranger » Thu Apr 07, 2011 8:24 am

ghulam muhammed wrote:Bro Oma,

Allow me to improve on the above :-

Christmas Eve 24 rakat washek : Har rakat ma jingle bell
ni surat ek waar ane christmas carol charti pareh.

Aaje Santa Claus Bhai saheb har mumin na ghar ma tashreef laavse.

Iltimas chhe ke Christmas Tree na paase Fakhir Najwa araz kare.
Aap sagla ne MERRY XMAS Mohanna thai !
PEEVA MA YAAD. :) :)
First It was limited to making fun of Daai & Imamuzaman.
But Now you people have extented it n started making mockery of Namaz as well.
Good Going Progressives.



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#11

Unread post by Conscíous » Fri Apr 15, 2011 2:36 pm

Why did God made Adam first!
.
.
.
Because he didn't want any advice from Eve on how to make Adam :D



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#12

Unread post by Conscíous » Sun Apr 24, 2011 1:20 pm

In a slave market, an owner is showing his slaves for selling.
A man come to the shop and pointing to an American slave and asked, "how much he is?". The owner said, "$100".
And the man pioint to a Russian slave, asked again, and the owner reply, "$1000".
The man point to Japanese slave, and the owner reply, "$10000".
Finally the man point to a Syedna slave and ask the price, the owner reply, "$100000".
The customer is confused and ask, "Why that syedna slave cost too much?".
The owner reply, "His brain is still new, he never used his brain :mrgreen: ".



sixfeetunder
Posts: 433
Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2010 8:48 am

#13

Unread post by sixfeetunder » Thu May 26, 2011 9:56 am

Q: How does a Wahhabi father advise his son about his future?

A: Dear son, when you grow up, don't ever shirk your responsibilities!



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#14

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu May 26, 2011 5:31 pm

A bohra was found sleeping in front of the qard-e-hasanah office at badri mahal. A zaada passed by and woke him up rudely and fired him for not observing ehteram of the august office. The bohra looked at the zaada and pointed out a board which was displayed in front of the office which read..... "SONE ke badle qard diya jayega".



porus
Posts: 3594
Joined: Thu Dec 13, 2001 5:01 am

#15

Unread post by porus » Fri Jun 03, 2011 7:31 am

The Arrogance of Authority

A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm near Bradford , and talked with an old Pakistani farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."
The farmer said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear trouser pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The old farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the drugs squad officer running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big 'Amjad Khan' bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs.........

(I just love this part....)



*


*


*


*

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"



labbaikyaHussain
Posts: 351
Joined: Wed Feb 23, 2011 10:22 am

#16

Unread post by labbaikyaHussain » Fri Jun 03, 2011 11:20 am

^ replace that officer with AMIL :lol:



fearAllah
Posts: 183
Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:09 am

#17

Unread post by fearAllah » Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:26 am

stranger wrote:
ghulam muhammed wrote:Bro Oma,

Allow me to improve on the above :-

Christmas Eve 24 rakat washek : Har rakat ma jingle bell
ni surat ek waar ane christmas carol charti pareh.

Aaje Santa Claus Bhai saheb har mumin na ghar ma tashreef laavse.

Iltimas chhe ke Christmas Tree na paase Fakhir Najwa araz kare.
Aap sagla ne MERRY XMAS Mohanna thai !
PEEVA MA YAAD. :) :)
First It was limited to making fun of Daai & Imamuzaman.
But Now you people have extented it n started making mockery of Namaz as well.
Good Going Progressives.

If we Bohoras can openly make fun and shame of namaz by praying rakats for Human beings (Dai) instead of Allah then why should these mere jokes by progressives bother us?



stranger
Posts: 517
Joined: Tue Mar 15, 2011 8:27 am

#18

Unread post by stranger » Sat Jul 09, 2011 1:48 pm

fearAllah wrote: If we Bohoras can openly make fun and shame of namaz by praying rakats for Human beings (Dai) instead of Allah then why should these mere jokes by progressives bother us?
Don't include me in your ''US''. .It bothers me. .By Just keeping name 'FearAllah' doesnt make you one. Is the statement you made justify ur pen-name ?



fearAllah
Posts: 183
Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:09 am

#19

Unread post by fearAllah » Mon Jul 11, 2011 5:44 am

stranger wrote:
fearAllah wrote: If we Bohoras can openly make fun and shame of namaz by praying rakats for Human beings (Dai) instead of Allah then why should these mere jokes by progressives bother us?
Don't include me in your ''US''. .It bothers me. .By Just keeping name 'FearAllah' doesnt make you one. Is the statement you made justify ur pen-name ?
Sorry if the truth bothered you soo much, didnt mean to hurt you, I am not a reformist, me together with thousands like me are still with safai chitthi and inside the community, our Dai is not spiritual enough nor "Gheb na jannar" enough to know of our existence, alhamdullillah many more are realizing and increasing.



student
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 4:53 am

#20

Unread post by student » Fri Aug 05, 2011 7:33 pm

A newly married husband saved his wife's number on his mobile as "My life"

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"

After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"



student
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 4:53 am

#21

Unread post by student » Fri Aug 05, 2011 7:34 pm

The school caught on fire.
All the students were very happy that they will not have to come to school anymore.
But one of them was not happy.
Teacher: Child why are you so sad?
Student: I thought How did you escaped.



student
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 4:53 am

#22

Unread post by student » Fri Aug 05, 2011 7:37 pm

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door
of the brothel over the road.The local Methodist pastor appears, and
quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the
rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have
died."



aqs
Posts: 848
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:42 am

#23

Unread post by aqs » Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:33 am

A Muslim lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it.
She would stand in front of her house and say AlhamduLILLAH "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!."
The atheist neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!



student
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 4:53 am

#24

Unread post by student » Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:56 am

hahahaha good one Aqs



aqs
Posts: 848
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:42 am

#25

Unread post by aqs » Tue Aug 09, 2011 4:10 am

Nasruddin was determined to be decisive and efficient. One day he told his wife he would plow his largest field on the far side of the river and be back for a big dinner. She urged him to say, "If Allah is willing."

He told her whether Allah was willing or not, that was his plan. The frightened wife looked up to Allah and asked forgiveness.

Nasruddin loaded his wooden plow, hitched up the oxen to the wagon, climbed on his donkey, and set off.

But within the short span of a day the river flooded from a cloudburst and washed his donkey downstream, and one of the oxen broke a leg in the mud, leaving Nasruddin to hitch himself in its place to plow the field.

Having finished only half the field, at the sunset he set out for home exhausted and soaking wet. The river was still high so he had to wait until long past dark to cross over.

After midnight a very wet but much wiser Nasruddin knocked at his door. Who is there Asked his wife.

I think it is me, Nasruddin, he replied, if Allah is willing!



aqs
Posts: 848
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:42 am

#26

Unread post by aqs » Tue Aug 09, 2011 5:37 am

Two men were on a plane on a business trip when a Muslim couple boarded the plane and were seated right in front of them. The two men, eager to have some fun, started talking loudly. "My boss is sending me to Saudi Arabia", the one said, "But I don't want to go...too many Muslims there!" The Muslim couple noticeably heard and grew uncomfortable. The other guy laughed, "Oh, yeah, my boss wanted to send me to Pakistan but I refused...WAY too many Muslims!" Smiling, the first man said, "One time I was in Iran but I HATED the fact that there were so many Muslims!" The couple fidgeted. The other guy responded, "Oh, yeah...you can't go ANYWHERE to get away from them...the last time I was in FRANCE I ran into a bunch of them too!" The first guy was laughing hysterically as he added, "That is why you'll never see me in Indonesia...WAY too many Muslims!" At this, the Muslim man turned around and responded politely, "Why don't you go to Hell?", he asked, "I hear there's not very many Muslims THERE!"



feelgud
Posts: 725
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2006 5:01 am

#27

Unread post by feelgud » Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:31 am

Never criticize your wife�s faults.
Just think it may have been those little imperfections that prevented her from getting a better husband.!!!
:mrgreen:



feelgud
Posts: 725
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2006 5:01 am

#28

Unread post by feelgud » Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:33 am

How to make One Million Rupees in the Stock Market ?
Simple . . . . Start with Two Million!



feelgud
Posts: 725
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2006 5:01 am

#29

Unread post by feelgud » Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:34 am

The Disappointed Salesman

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.

So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".

"That should have worked", said the friend."

He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."



Ala maqaam
Posts: 318
Joined: Wed Sep 14, 2011 8:23 am

#30

Unread post by Ala maqaam » Fri Nov 11, 2011 12:04 am

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?