jokes (keep it clean)

Lighten up a little and talk about movies, music, books and recipes and more... this forum provides the flip side to the intense and serious discussion taking place in other forums. No topic is off-limit here so long as it is within the accepted norms of decency and decorum.
ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#241

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Fri Jun 05, 2015 7:00 pm

A Christian ​guy, a Rajneeshian ​and a Communist​ were in a bar debating ​i​​deology ​​of ​Adam and Eve
​.​
The Christian​ guy says, " Obviously they were both Christians​, observe how Adam offered Eve some of his apple after he received it from her, true Christian​ manners".

The Rajneesh follower​ says: "No, no, friend​ they were both F​rench ​Rajneeshians​. First of all they were both NAKED, and Eve was so feminine and seductive and drove Adam nuts".

The Communist​ says: "Both of you are wrong. I can prove conclusively that Adam and Eve were Communists​.

1) They had no clothes.

2) They had no heat.

3) All that was left to eat was one lousy apple and they called THIS paradise!"



SBM
Posts: 6189
Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 4:01 am

#242

Unread post by SBM » Sat Jun 06, 2015 8:01 am

A lawyer in court…


if Physical relation with wife without her consent is termed as rape then …Shopping without Husband’s consent should be considered as Robbery.


Judgement still pending



KA786110
Posts: 360
Joined: Wed Apr 02, 2014 9:20 am

#243

Unread post by KA786110 » Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:45 pm

SBM. Nice one :D



zinger
Posts: 1874
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 2:40 am

#244

Unread post by zinger » Thu Jun 18, 2015 12:32 am

Am guessing Mrs. KA786110 has been a little too liberal in her Ramzan shopping this year :wink:



KA786110
Posts: 360
Joined: Wed Apr 02, 2014 9:20 am

#245

Unread post by KA786110 » Thu Jun 18, 2015 7:03 am

LOL. Definitely, any excuse for shopping!



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#246

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Fri Jul 10, 2015 6:35 pm

Puns for Educated minds

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

Velcro - what a rip off !



Al-Noor
Posts: 1075
Joined: Thu Jun 04, 2015 9:55 am

#247

Unread post by Al-Noor » Tue Jul 14, 2015 5:49 am

Ek aadmi bhagwaan se bola, “india se usa tak pakki sadak banwa dijiye.”
Bhagwan bole, “mushkil hai kuch aur maang lo.” Aadmi bola,
“To phir aap meri biwi ko samajhdaar aur aagyakari bana dijiye.”
Bhagwan bole, “sadak single banana hai ya double.”



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#248

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Jan 25, 2016 4:49 pm

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies
or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” -
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx



Dumbledore
Posts: 275
Joined: Mon Oct 27, 2014 12:30 am

#249

Unread post by Dumbledore » Sun Mar 06, 2016 10:40 pm

A boy was spinning a 2 rupee coin in the air and catching it between his teeth in a shop while father was shopping. Accidentally it goes straight into his throat. He starts choking and his dad panicked and shouts for help. A middle-aged, man in a gray suit came to the boy & carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes, gently but very firmly. Imdtly the boy coughs up the coin.

As soon as the dad makes sure that his son is OK, he starts thanking him saying, "I've never seen anybody doing anything like that before & it's fantastic! Are you a doctor?"

"Oh, no," the man replies, "I am amil saab of bohra comunity



Tayyeb
Posts: 91
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:30 pm

#250

Unread post by Tayyeb » Tue Mar 08, 2016 8:32 am

Hyderabadi hazrat ka electricity ka Bill 50 Lakh aaya..
Wo electricity board Office gaye aur
Officer se bole :
,
,
,
Ye kya ji bawa!

Kya Dozakh ki Aag mereich meter se jalaarey kya?..:

The guy at electricity board replied:
Nai chichaa tum ghar ku jannat samaj ke din raat AC chalaye naa.. Uska bill hai..!!



Tayyeb
Posts: 91
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:30 pm

#251

Unread post by Tayyeb » Sun Mar 13, 2016 10:26 am

:lol:
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Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#252

Unread post by Conscíous » Thu Mar 24, 2016 3:18 pm

5233_802495399882777_3165109128124627588_n.jpg



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#253

Unread post by Conscíous » Thu Mar 24, 2016 3:48 pm

Hahaha,,, :lol: If you really want a good laugh, then watch the video below :lol:
https://www.facebook.com/iraro.oni/vide ... nref=story



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#254

Unread post by Conscíous » Sat Mar 26, 2016 2:41 pm

1929894_10153542044028551_4328552722823286138_n.jpg



asad
Posts: 777
Joined: Thu Dec 29, 2011 12:54 am

#255

Unread post by asad » Sun Mar 27, 2016 4:01 am

Conscíous wrote:
1929894_10153542044028551_4328552722823286138_n.jpg
:lol:



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#256

Unread post by Conscíous » Sun Mar 27, 2016 12:39 pm

12662717_10153620023018551_8837808236090919336_n.jpg



anajmi
Posts: 13402
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2001 5:01 am

#257

Unread post by anajmi » Sun Mar 27, 2016 9:47 pm

Admin,

Since you are in the deleting mood I request you to delete the joke disrespecting women in a hijab.



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#258

Unread post by Conscíous » Mon Mar 28, 2016 10:02 am

Oh calm down, and have a sense of humour. :D

Or wear your hijab glasses :lol:
12004744_10153352596153551_5028676215434946755_n.jpg



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#259

Unread post by Conscíous » Wed Mar 30, 2016 5:50 pm

Can you spot the wahabbi??
LiveLeak-dot-com-210_1459372530-caveman4_1459372536.jpg



anajmi
Posts: 13402
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2001 5:01 am

#260

Unread post by anajmi » Wed Mar 30, 2016 9:10 pm

And the guy wanting to screw the wahhabi is coming behind him. :mrgreen: :mrgreen: (Adding a smiley to a silly unfunny offensive joke apparently makes it more funny for the unevolved morons amongst us!!)



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#261

Unread post by Conscíous » Thu Mar 31, 2016 5:35 pm

Haha.. Yes, only a ape finds a wahabbi worthy. No wonder the wahabbis retards are so stupid :lol:



anajmi
Posts: 13402
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2001 5:01 am

#262

Unread post by anajmi » Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:32 pm

Yep and you are that ape. And as per your diagram, the retard wahhabi is more evolved than you. Laughing Smily, Laughing Smily. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#263

Unread post by Conscíous » Fri Apr 01, 2016 7:40 am

.
Haha.. I dont blame you of thinking that, because we all know how sickening deluded wahabbis are :lol: .. Stupid, subhuman retards with all their money, hands on the best technology and weapon in the market, can't even beat the Sandal wearing Houthi.. One has to wonder why :roll: ??

PS: And judging by the wahabbi ideology, their medieval practices and their thought processing, we all know whom is who :wink:



SBM
Posts: 6189
Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 4:01 am

#264

Unread post by SBM » Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:24 am

Conscíous wrote:.
Haha.. I dont blame you of thinking that, because we all know how sickening deluded wahabbis are :lol: .. Stupid, subhuman retards with all their money, hands on the best technology and weapon in the market, can't even beat the Sandal wearing Houthi.. One has to wonder why :roll: ??

PS: And judging by the wahabbi ideology, their medieval practices and their thought processing, we all know whom is who :wink:
Right now looking at Fire Cracking Celebrating death of one of their own from the line of Syenda's famil--Abdes/Amtes the hard core followers of SHIA and Fatimid theology look more vicious and JUNGLEE then Saudi Wahabis....



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#265

Unread post by Conscíous » Fri Apr 01, 2016 2:52 pm

.
What an idiotic statement and I dont aspect anything better coming from you..
For god's sake, aren't you even a little ashamed on how you reflect your stupidity on yourself?? Or have you past that point and only regurgitate anything that comes first to mind :roll: ??

Bohras =Hardcore shia?? What a joke..
Hezbollah is what you can call hardcore shia..
And the wahabbis are hardcore retards that can't even beat the sandal wearing Houthi with all that fire power!!

I think you should also run and buy a one way ticket to Saudi Arab and give your monkey friend (anajmi) company.. Since you both are running like headless chickens all over this forum, defending and try to shift attention from those barbarian wahabbi rodents.. there isn't a better way of ending your life than to Sacrifice yourselves for those medieval, subhuman wahabbis..
And I promise, ill post pictures of you guys on this forum, while you lay out in the desert eaten by dogs or turning into fertiliser.. I've even left you guys a video below, to inspire you both to go and fight for the saudis..

GRAPHIC !!
Dog eating subhuman(wahabbi/salafi/tafiri) corpse!! Enjoy :mrgreen:
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=ade_1360 ... comments=1



abde53
Posts: 296
Joined: Mon Jan 13, 2003 5:01 am

#266

Unread post by abde53 » Fri Apr 01, 2016 9:37 pm

Bhai Conscious
Do you even know who is SBM Bhai. if you had read his past post he would know who is he? You are a shameless johnny come lately who is passing judgment on everyone. SBM bhai is not a wahabi and has helped momineen on this forum along with bohrabhai and others.
just stop your stupid comments on SBM bhai. i hope other members on this forum can teach you some lesson on humility unless you are one of the Muffadai Moula's follower where no one knows humility



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#267

Unread post by Conscíous » Fri Apr 01, 2016 11:23 pm

.
Br abde53,
I dont know who he is, but I know what he is.. Him and his wahabbi monkey friend (anajmi) are two idiots that keeps following me all over this forum and constantly commenting on every posts of mine and trying to dictate what I should and shouldn't be posting like he owns this forum. He is a stubborn old bastard that likes to inflict pain and agonise himself.
I'm guessing it has to do with their small broken egos..
And this is not the first time those two idiots have been tag teaming against me which i really dont mind..


Instead of telling me, why dont you rather give him some advise and put some sense in him, if you care so much about him?
I'm not the one following them like a headless chicken all over the forum!! Get your facts right before pointing your finger at me!!

PS: And I've never said he is a wahabbi!!



qutub_mamajiwala
Posts: 996
Joined: Tue Jul 23, 2013 4:17 am

#268

Unread post by qutub_mamajiwala » Sun Apr 03, 2016 4:03 am

comparing bohras with hard core shia or wahabi is wierd and ridiculous to the extent of funny and dumb.
if anything they are more like pagans in the midst of whom they live.

here many people have the habit of bringing bohras into picture though it may be irrelevant to the topic.



I Rizwan
Posts: 301
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 12:33 am

#269

Unread post by I Rizwan » Sun Apr 17, 2016 11:12 am

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I Rizwan
Posts: 301
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 12:33 am

#270

Unread post by I Rizwan » Sun Apr 17, 2016 3:16 pm

few more
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