An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
jokes (keep it clean)
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
At age 4, success is………………not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is………………having friends.
At age 20, success is………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………making money.
At age 70, success is………………having sex.
At age 80, success is………………having friends.
At age 90, success is………………not peeing your pants
At age 12, success is………………having friends.
At age 20, success is………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………making money.
At age 70, success is………………having sex.
At age 80, success is………………having friends.
At age 90, success is………………not peeing your pants
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
During navratri-Jai durga jai durga
After navratri - De murga de murga
After navratri - De murga de murga
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’ To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’…
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’ To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’…
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell Bibles, so the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment, but hired him anyway.
So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing.
The boy said, "75."
"That's good," the preacher replied. He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."
The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles.
He said, "I-I-I t-t-t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-t-t-them."
So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing.
The boy said, "75."
"That's good," the preacher replied. He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."
The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles.
He said, "I-I-I t-t-t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-t-t-them."
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Al Zulfiqar
- Posts: 4618
- Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:01 am
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
substitute the bibles with a compilation of mufaddal mola's bayans written in dawat ni zaban and the kid would have sold in thousands!
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ghulam muhammed
- Posts: 11653
- Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
Question: What is the height of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an Indian, using Bill Gates technology which he stole from the Japanese.
And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Pakistanis, hijacked by Indonesians and finally sold to you by Chinese!
That is Globalization !!!!!
Answer: Princess Diana's death
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an Indian, using Bill Gates technology which he stole from the Japanese.
And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Pakistanis, hijacked by Indonesians and finally sold to you by Chinese!
That is Globalization !!!!!
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ghulam muhammed
- Posts: 11653
- Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
A smart, executive lady was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of quid for dinner.
She took £10 from her purse and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years.'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
The reply was, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments and wine.'
She took £10 from her purse and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years.'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
The reply was, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments and wine.'
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ghulam muhammed
- Posts: 11653
- Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED !"
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
Fathers day reminds me of an episode I had with my father. here it goes........
My father came to visit me in US, he enjoyed the ride in the car and later that day we celebrated in a nice restaurant. He liked my small house with a big backyard. First couple of days he watched game shows and news. It got boring very fast. I and my brother would leave for work and he would have almost nothing to do in the morning.
I showed him the garage, and all the tools I had collected over the years. There were a lot of wood working tools, like table saw, skill saw. router, jig saw and drills. I taught him once how to use them and advised him to be careful with power tools.
He promptly went to the garage the next day and banged some wood. What he made was what we call " patla". We said it was nice and useful.Even though nobody uses patla in US kitchen. He got busy and made a couple of more patlas the following couple of days. So he was bored again and kept wanting to know if we needed any stuff for the house. After watching his craftsmanship we couldn't think of anything it was more like wouldn't.
Now here is the real story, so on the fourth day he asked for us to find something to pass the time in the morning. We had a plum tree in the backyard and the plums were ripe about 1000 of them. I asked him if he could make jam for us. I told him that I can help but only by phone. He agreed. I gave him the biggest pot (crab pot) to make the jam. Next morning before I left for work I asked him to collect the ripe ones and fill the pot with plums. I get a call at about 10 am that the pot is filled to the top with ripe plums. So I said he should wash them thoroughly and get every speck of dirt out. At about 11 he was done. I told him to fill it with water and boil the hell out of it.
About noon he called again and said the stuff pops a lot because its thick and wanted to know the next step. He said that the stove and the floor is a mess, not to worry about it we will clean it up when I get home. I asked him to remove all the skin and seeds and continue until its thicker, not to worry about the mess, I will clean it up when I get back. Couple of hours later he calls to to the mess is bigger because hot liquid and such, also he spilled some, not to worry he cleaned up most of it but we need more paper towels. I asked him to add sugar and keep stirring the mix. Another hour passed he calls again that its getting hard and some sticking in the bottom. what is the next step.
Now this is before Google and Utube. I had never done that before myself. I told him to get the pick and the shovel, we need to make a big hole in the backyard.
Thats when he called me KAFFAR.
My father came to visit me in US, he enjoyed the ride in the car and later that day we celebrated in a nice restaurant. He liked my small house with a big backyard. First couple of days he watched game shows and news. It got boring very fast. I and my brother would leave for work and he would have almost nothing to do in the morning.
I showed him the garage, and all the tools I had collected over the years. There were a lot of wood working tools, like table saw, skill saw. router, jig saw and drills. I taught him once how to use them and advised him to be careful with power tools.
He promptly went to the garage the next day and banged some wood. What he made was what we call " patla". We said it was nice and useful.Even though nobody uses patla in US kitchen. He got busy and made a couple of more patlas the following couple of days. So he was bored again and kept wanting to know if we needed any stuff for the house. After watching his craftsmanship we couldn't think of anything it was more like wouldn't.
Now here is the real story, so on the fourth day he asked for us to find something to pass the time in the morning. We had a plum tree in the backyard and the plums were ripe about 1000 of them. I asked him if he could make jam for us. I told him that I can help but only by phone. He agreed. I gave him the biggest pot (crab pot) to make the jam. Next morning before I left for work I asked him to collect the ripe ones and fill the pot with plums. I get a call at about 10 am that the pot is filled to the top with ripe plums. So I said he should wash them thoroughly and get every speck of dirt out. At about 11 he was done. I told him to fill it with water and boil the hell out of it.
About noon he called again and said the stuff pops a lot because its thick and wanted to know the next step. He said that the stove and the floor is a mess, not to worry about it we will clean it up when I get home. I asked him to remove all the skin and seeds and continue until its thicker, not to worry about the mess, I will clean it up when I get back. Couple of hours later he calls to to the mess is bigger because hot liquid and such, also he spilled some, not to worry he cleaned up most of it but we need more paper towels. I asked him to add sugar and keep stirring the mix. Another hour passed he calls again that its getting hard and some sticking in the bottom. what is the next step.
Now this is before Google and Utube. I had never done that before myself. I told him to get the pick and the shovel, we need to make a big hole in the backyard.
Thats when he called me KAFFAR.
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
Seeker110, too funny, but didnt get the last part. why did he call u kaffir for asking him to dig a hole in the ground?
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
I knew the end, but made dad was under the impression that I have done it before. He finally got the prank. Some towels, his kurta ijar was thrown out. We ended up cleaning, he rested. He didn't give me chippat (thappar).
Hardest part of my life was to help him with expenses. Imagine the man who gave me Char Anna, ahthanna and ruppia all his life, and the tables are turned. I did not want him to ask for money, so I talked to my brother and agreed we should give him a visa card to take home. This way he will just use that and we will pick up the tab. We did attach one condition. He has to take my mom out for dinner on the card once a month.
Its also hard to see my dad making tea for us when we would get home. I felt like it was my job to serve him. I think he did it out of love, but again he was the head of the family.
Hardest part of my life was to help him with expenses. Imagine the man who gave me Char Anna, ahthanna and ruppia all his life, and the tables are turned. I did not want him to ask for money, so I talked to my brother and agreed we should give him a visa card to take home. This way he will just use that and we will pick up the tab. We did attach one condition. He has to take my mom out for dinner on the card once a month.
Its also hard to see my dad making tea for us when we would get home. I felt like it was my job to serve him. I think he did it out of love, but again he was the head of the family.
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Muslim First
- Posts: 6893
- Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2001 4:01 am
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
Touched me, thanksseeker110 wrote:I knew the end, but made dad was under the impression that I have done it before. He finally got the prank. Some towels, his kurta ijar was thrown out. We ended up cleaning, he rested. He didn't give me chippat (thappar).
Hardest part of my life was to help him with expenses. Imagine the man who gave me Char Anna, ahthanna and ruppia all his life, and the tables are turned. I did not want him to ask for money, so I talked to my brother and agreed we should give him a visa card to take home. This way he will just use that and we will pick up the tab. We did attach one condition. He has to take my mom out for dinner on the card once a month.
Its also hard to see my dad making tea for us when we would get home. I felt like it was my job to serve him. I think he did it out of love, but again he was the head of the family.
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
seeker110 wrote:I knew the end, but made dad was under the impression that I have done it before. He finally got the prank. Some towels, his kurta ijar was thrown out. We ended up cleaning, he rested. He didn't give me chippat (thappar).
Hardest part of my life was to help him with expenses. Imagine the man who gave me Char Anna, ahthanna and ruppia all his life, and the tables are turned. I did not want him to ask for money, so I talked to my brother and agreed we should give him a visa card to take home. This way he will just use that and we will pick up the tab. We did attach one condition. He has to take my mom out for dinner on the card once a month.
Its also hard to see my dad making tea for us when we would get home. I felt like it was my job to serve him. I think he did it out of love, but again he was the head of the family.
haa haa haa, now i get it
the visa card was really sweet, more so the condition of mom and dad going for dinner
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Muslim First
- Posts: 6893
- Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2001 4:01 am
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
Fajar = Bistar me
Zohar= Khane me
Asar. = Kamane me
Magrib = Bazar me
Ishah = T.V. Me
Jumma = 2 Rakat who bhi Duniya Ko dikhane me
Afsos kis tarah ke Musalman he hum
Note: Shia combine two day Namaaz and night Namaaz
Bohra spend many evening listening to lectures, crying and eating
Boras pray 4 Rakats regular Zohar prayer on Jumma
Zohar= Khane me
Asar. = Kamane me
Magrib = Bazar me
Ishah = T.V. Me
Jumma = 2 Rakat who bhi Duniya Ko dikhane me
Afsos kis tarah ke Musalman he hum
Note: Shia combine two day Namaaz and night Namaaz
Bohra spend many evening listening to lectures, crying and eating
Boras pray 4 Rakats regular Zohar prayer on Jumma
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ghulam muhammed
- Posts: 11653
- Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
''You must be an Engineer", said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the man, "how did you know?"
''Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk".
The man below responded, "You must be in Management".
''I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
''Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
''You must be an Engineer", said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the man, "how did you know?"
''Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk".
The man below responded, "You must be in Management".
''I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
''Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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ghulam muhammed
- Posts: 11653
- Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
Amil :- Qarze Hasanah kise kehte hai ?
Pathan:- Jab qarz dene wala paise wapis mangey,
aur qarz lene wala HANS de, to usay Qarze-hasanah kehte hai !
Pathan:- Jab qarz dene wala paise wapis mangey,
aur qarz lene wala HANS de, to usay Qarze-hasanah kehte hai !
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Al Zulfiqar
- Posts: 4618
- Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:01 am
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
a slight correction in our bohra contect, bro gm.
abde - amilsab, i need qarz to educate my son who has been selected in medical college
amil - what collateral you have? any gold, jewellery etc?
abde - saab, if i had so much gold and jewellery i would have sold or pawned it, why would i come to you?
amil - so what do you think we are - a charitable institution, that we go around giving free loans?
amil then rolls on the floor laughing..!!
qarze hasna.... !!
abde - amilsab, i need qarz to educate my son who has been selected in medical college
amil - what collateral you have? any gold, jewellery etc?
abde - saab, if i had so much gold and jewellery i would have sold or pawned it, why would i come to you?
amil - so what do you think we are - a charitable institution, that we go around giving free loans?
amil then rolls on the floor laughing..!!
qarze hasna.... !!
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
Correction Br AZabde - amilsab, i need qarz to educate my son who has been selected in medical college
Amil would have replied "why go to medical college why donot you do commerce and then work at hardware store in Dubai"
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
qarza hasana de kar phasna
jab mange wapas to sirf hasna
jab mange wapas to sirf hasna
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ghulam muhammed
- Posts: 11653
- Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
Milkha Singh is in sports arena in Rome. He is sleeping on the grass lawn after some running practice. A European visitor spots him .
Visitor : " Hello ! are you *relaxing* ?
Reply : " No. i am Milkha Singh "
Visitor : " Hello ! are you *relaxing* ?
Reply : " No. i am Milkha Singh "
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humanbeing
- Posts: 2195
- Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 2:30 am
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
ROFL !!! Hilarious !!
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Al Zulfiqar
- Posts: 4618
- Joined: Tue Mar 28, 2006 5:01 am
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
wise guy, great stuff! keep em coming!
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humanbeing
- Posts: 2195
- Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2011 2:30 am
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
another 10 points !! ROFL !!! Hilarious !!
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ghulam muhammed
- Posts: 11653
- Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his sample to the lab last week, a sample from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?
'We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!!'
'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his sample to the lab last week, a sample from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?
'We recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!!'
Re: jokes (keep it clean)
God - "jo tame khota kaam karso. To tamaro sayo pan tamara sathe nahi rahe."
vohraji- "etlej to ame hamesa SAYO pehrinej fariye che
vohraji- "etlej to ame hamesa SAYO pehrinej fariye che