jokes (keep it clean)

Lighten up a little and talk about movies, music, books and recipes and more... this forum provides the flip side to the intense and serious discussion taking place in other forums. No topic is off-limit here so long as it is within the accepted norms of decency and decorum.

Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#182

Unread post by Conscíous » Thu Aug 22, 2013 1:20 pm

The Coded Message

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Mpata from Uganda for help. Within a minute Mpata cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."



zinger
Posts: 1866
Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2012 2:40 am

#183

Unread post by zinger » Fri Aug 23, 2013 5:08 am

^

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ROTFLMAO



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#184

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Sun Aug 25, 2013 4:17 pm

TENDER NOTICE FOR RUNNING PAKISTAN

Tender No. GOP 2013/193CTR/PTL/TEN/420

Tender Notice for Running the Country

The Government of Pakistan requires the service of an International Organisation to run the country for a period of twenty-five years. The company must not employ any person who is of India, Pakistan, or Bangladesh origin.

Country Background:
It is generally believed that Pakistan was created for the Muslims of India. However, there is still debate in the country regarding the ideology of Pakistan. Some say that Pakistan came into being so unexpectedly that no one had the time to define its ideology. The state of Pakistan can be categorised as one of the following (or any combination thereof):
•Islamic
•Secular*
•Democratic
•Autocratic
•Militaristic
•Autistic

Since the creation of Pakistan, following governments have been in place:

1947 – 1948 Mohammed Ali Jinnah, founder of Pakistan was the first head of the state. Unfortunately, he passed away in 1948.

1948 – 1958 During this period 10 governments came and went. During this time a prime minister was assassinated and another exiled.

1958 – 1968 First Military coup and Martial law. The new Chief Martial Law Administrator and later President and Field Marshal, Mohammed Ayub Khan, ruled for ten years. People got sick and tired of dictatorship and went out in the streets calling the gentleman-soldier a dog. This broke his heart and he resigned. He was a decent sort of a chap who enriched only his own family and in return built many dams and a new city. He also authored a book titled “Friends and Masters”. Following the poor performance of the subsequent governments, he is today remembered as a Saint.

1971 The job of running the country became easier as the enslaved half of the country was freed through the goodwill and humanitarianism of the Pakistan military. The freed slaves made their own country called Bangladesh. The people of Bangladesh proved to be very ungrateful and now refuse to play cricket with Pakistan.

1972 – 1977 A young Oxford educated feudal Mr. Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto became the Chief Martial Law Administrator and then the Prime Minister. His main strength was his fiery speeches in good English and bad Urdu. He was such a good Muslim that he accepted all the key demands of the clerics like declaring the Ahmedis non-Muslims and banning alcohol. Being a man of conscience he started drinking heavily to lessen the pain of taking such horrid decisions. He also wisely purged all the left wing troublemakers in his party and replaced them with solid, reliable and wise men from the feudal class.

1977 – 1987 Mr. Bhutto’s top general Zia-ul-Haq did not see eye to eye with Mr. Bhutto. One part of the reason was that he was squint eyed and the second that he did not think that Mr. Bhutto was Islamic enough. So he did “Istikhara” (requesting guidance from God) and after receiving permission deposed the Prime Minister in a coup.

He announced that elections would take place in 90 days. However, the people were so pleased with the General that they beseeched him to stay. Being a true democrat the General could not turn down the request of the masses and decided to stay on to serve them. Just to make sure that he could serve the people with his full attention he declared that the pesky Mr. Bhutto had hanged himself in a fierce police encounter. Being a very hospitable man, he invited all the Muslim Afghan brethren to live in Pakistan. He also helped them fight the infidels from Russia. He had a rich uncle named Sam who provided the required finances.

This pious man would be still in power if it were not for his love of mangoes. He filled up his plane with so many crates of mangoes that it crashed due to the excessive weight. Many in Pakistan were deeply saddened by the loss of such good mangoes.

1988 – 2013 The period from 1947 to 1988 was a game of musical chairs and no one remembers who came and who went and where and why. It is not clear who is running the affairs of Pakistan; in an opinion poll majority felt that it was God.

Scope of Work of the Bidder:

The bidder will be solely responsible for running the Government of Pakistan. This will include (but not limited to):

1. Disbanding the band of thieves that has been running the country for the past 65 years and deporting them to their home countries like the USA, Saudi Arabia, Dubai, Great Britain, and Canada.
2. Ensuring that containers are used for the sole purpose of transporting goods.
3. Banning spitting of phlegm, tobacco, niswar, and paan peek in public places and particularly on stairwells.
4. Removing all garbage strewn around the country and dumping it outside.
5. Arresting all the religious extremists and putting them in a rehabilitation centre run by Doctor Maulana Taqreerul Qadri.
6. Removing all the political talk show anchors and using them as anchors for the boats in the oily waters of Kaemari.
7. Changing the foreign policy from misaligned to non-aligned.
8. Eliminating the police force by making it mandatory for them to have a 32 inch waist.
9. Making Hijab mandatory for men and optional for women.

Bidder Qualification:
• Bidders from countries deemed to be more corrupt than Pakistan in the Transparency International Rankings will be subject to immediate disqualification.
• Bidders from previous colonising countries like Great Britain, The Netherlands, Belgium, Spain and France will be given preference.
• Bidders from the USA are not eligible to bid as they are already running the Government of Pakistan.
• Bidders from Nigeria need not apply.
• The language of the bids can be any as long as it is English.
• Influencing the bid evaluation process by means of bribery is strictly prohibited unless it is at least $50 million and made through proper channels.

Submission of Tender:
• Tenders will be submitted in quadruplicate in hard copy by courier.
• As per normal procurement rules 10 per cent of the bid price will be deposited as “goodwill”
• Tenders will be submitted to the following address:

The Section Officer
Services and General Administration Division
Pakistan Secretariat
Islamabad

Closing date for the Tenders is 14 August 2014.

Important: If the country disintegrates before the bid closing date, this tender will be considered null and void.



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#185

Unread post by Conscíous » Wed Sep 11, 2013 2:45 am

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped a load of hot, steaming dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for
joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung. The cat promptly dug the bird out, killed him and ate him.
Moral: Not everyone who drops dung on you is your enemy. Not everyone who pulls you out of dung is your friend. And when you’re warm and happy in your pile of dung, keep your mouth shut!



Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

#186

Unread post by Conscíous » Tue Sep 17, 2013 5:16 am

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."
"The labor unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it."



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#187

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Fri Oct 11, 2013 6:10 pm

Confession by a girl in Cyberworld.

Her E mail to dad :

Dad I m in love with a boy who is far away from me.
I’m in India and he lives in UK.
We met on matrimonial website,
Became friends on facebook,
Had long chats on whatsapp,
Proposed each other on skype,
Now we had 2 months of relationship through viber,
I need ur blessings and good wishes ''oh daddy'!!

Her dad replied :
Now get married on twitter,
Have fun on tango,
Buy your kids from eBay,
Send them through Gmail,
And when u r fed up with ur husband & kids....

Sell them on Online Exchange Site OLX
-Daddy



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#188

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu Oct 17, 2013 5:07 pm

Jokes on Lawyers :-

The professor of a Contract Law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"

The student replied, "Here's an orange."

The professor was outraged. "No ! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Ok. I will tell him - "I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before and hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds,
instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognised the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a cheque in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read : 'Legal Consultation Service: $150.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with Honours, and then went home to join his father's legal firm.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, you know what, in one day I managed to solve the accident case that you've been working on for 10 years!"

His father responded : " You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for 10 years!"



Yousuf.ali
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Jul 21, 2013 5:00 am

#189

Unread post by Yousuf.ali » Mon Nov 04, 2013 11:20 am

Amazing Pic..Got this Today..was is posted here before?
Attachments
Screenshot_2013-11-04-13-01-39-1.png



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#190

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Nov 25, 2013 6:02 pm

Logical questions need answers....


If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT, Why are whales FAT ??

Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND ?

Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN, but nobody wants to DIE..

Shall I say that there is racial discrimination even in chess... As the WHITE piece is moved FIRST...

In our country, We have FREEDOM of SPEECH, Then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS ?

If money doesn't grow on TREES, then why do banks have BRANCHES ?

Why doesn't GLUE stick to its BOTTLE ?

Why do you still call it a BUILDING, when its already BUILT ?

If its true that we are here to HELP others, What are others HERE for ?

If you arent supposed to DRINK and DRIVE.. Why do bars have PARKING lots ?

If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?

When Dog Food Is New With Improved Taste, Who Tests It..?

If The "Black Box" Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn't The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff..?

Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol..?

Can You Cry Under Water.?

Why Do People Say "You've Been Working Like A Dog", When Dogs Just Sit Around All Day..??

We all are Living in a seriously funny world....

So Enjoy!!!



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#191

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Sat Nov 30, 2013 6:39 pm

What movies teach us

AMERICAN MOVIES TEACH US:

1. Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

2. More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

3. The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote basketball/baseball.

4. Aliens have special interest in attacking U.S.

5. U.S. is a place where you can meet all mythical creatures like werewolves and vampires.


INDIAN MOVIES TEACH US:

1. At least one of the identical twins is born evil.

2. While defusing a bomb, do not worry, whichever wire you cut… you "always choose the right one".

3. A hero will show no pain, while getting beaten up; but will show pain when a girl cleans up his wound.

4. A detective can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty.

5. If you decide to start dancing on the street, everyone you meet will know the steps...



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#192

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu Dec 12, 2013 5:37 pm

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

..
..
..
..
..
..


He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running".



hsnhussain
Posts: 82
Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 7:36 am

#193

Unread post by hsnhussain » Wed Dec 18, 2013 10:36 am

10 year of Income
Teacher : 20 lakhs
Engineer : 50 lakhs
Doctor : 70 lakhs
IAS : 1 Crore
Nirmal Baba : 238 Crore
Ramdev Baba : 1177 Crore
Satyasai : 4000 Crore

So choose your career carefully.



incredible
Posts: 1034
Joined: Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:44 pm

#194

Unread post by incredible » Wed Dec 18, 2013 7:26 pm

hsnhussain wrote:10 year of Income
Teacher : 20 lakhs
Engineer : 50 lakhs
Doctor : 70 lakhs
IAS : 1 Crore
Nirmal Baba : 238 Crore
Ramdev Baba : 1177 Crore
Satyasai : 4000 Crore

So choose your career carefully.
I wonder what could be kothar income?

8000 crore?



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#195

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Tue Dec 24, 2013 4:50 pm

Flowers Anyone??


(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to Obama Flowers, My name is Trina. How can I
help you?


(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Professional Flowers stating that my flower order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your website, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the website. It should be fixed by the end of November. But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered a "Spring Bouquet" for our anniversary, and wanted it delivered to my wife.

(Receptionist Interrupting) Sir, "Spring Bouquets" do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with Red Roses.

(Customer) But I have always ordered "Spring Bouquets", done it for years, my wife likes them.

(Receptionist) Roses are better, sir, I am sure your wife will love them.

(Customer) Well, how much are they?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package.

(Customer) What's the difference?

(Receptionist) 6, 12,18 or 24 Red Roses.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay, how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, what is you monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government flower subsidy, then I can determine how much your out of pocket cost will be. But if your income is below our minimums for a subsidy, then I can refer you to our FlowerAid department.

(Customer) FlowerAid?

(Receptionist) Yes, Flowers are a Right, everyone has a right to flowers. So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a Right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa.....I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding Flowers as a Right.

(Receptionist) It is not really a Right in the Constitution, but ObamaFlowers is Constitutional because the Supreme Court Ruled it a "Tax". Taxes are Constitutional. But we feel it is a Right.

(Customer) I don't believe this...

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is you monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the flowers this year.

(Receptionist) In that case sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? Your can't charge me for NOT buying flowers!

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It's $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income.....

(Customer)interrupting) This is ridiculous, I'll pay the $9.50..

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a ripoff!!

(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congressman to find out what's going on here. This is ridiculous. I'm not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone your are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates sir

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS sir. Thanks for calling ObamaFlowers, have a nice day...and God Bless America.



Maqbool
Posts: 844
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 4:01 am

#196

Unread post by Maqbool » Thu Dec 26, 2013 2:11 am

Ahmedabad na ek mumnin bhai tena dost ne pota na sathe thayelo moazizo kahirahya hata:
Gai kale hu bag ma daru ni bottle chupavi ne ghare lai jato hato. Rastama ek havaldar maliyo. Tene puchyu ke bag ma su che? Hu bahu ghabrai gayo. Tartaj 5 rupiya najar mukam na manilidha ane moula ne yad karwa lago. evama ek bijo police valo aviyo ane phela wala ne mari topi joi khayu ke aato vohra ji che ene javade ane mane java didho. Aqa moula e mane bacha vi lidho.



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#197

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu Dec 26, 2013 4:10 pm

Maqbool wrote:Gai kale hu bag ma daru ni bottle chupavi ne ghare lai jato hato.
Maqbool wrote:Tartaj 5 rupiya najar mukam na manilidha ane moula ne yad karwa lago.
Maqbool wrote:Aqa moula e mane bacha vi lidho.
So now even Nazrul makam and the Dai are with people who openly indulge in haram activities !! What a progress !!



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#198

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Fri Jan 10, 2014 7:34 pm

The English Plural

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I speak of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 'English" muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, In which you fill in a form by filling it out, And in which an alarm goes off by going on. And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.??????*

WE ALWAYS KNEW ENGLISH WAS A STUPID LANGUAGE!!!
Compiled and forwarded by: Phil Masters. Canada.



anajmi
Posts: 13399
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2001 5:01 am

#199

Unread post by anajmi » Fri Jan 10, 2014 8:07 pm

Here is something our dawg friend will like playa lol!!

Lose rhymes with Loose but Chose doesn't rhyme with Choose. lol I'm in da mood playa dawg bro!!

Was that funny or not Doodh?? lol



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#200

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Sat Jan 11, 2014 6:47 pm

The Difference between Normal English and GRE English.

A NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
GRE STUDENT : Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.

*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
GRE STUDENT : All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.

*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
GRE STUDENT : Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

*********************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.

*******************************************************

NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#201

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Tue Mar 04, 2014 5:58 pm

Knowledge is Power!

During a recent robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional”
Focus only on what you are trained to do!


When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience”
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!


After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide”
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!


The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Changing priority”
Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.


The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#202

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Sun Mar 16, 2014 4:58 pm

A Marwadi Salesman

A keen immigrant Indian Marwadi lad applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store - the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there

The boss asked him: "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes sir, I was a salesman in India," replied the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said: "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see how you do."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it. And finally 6:00 PM came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked: "How many sales did you make today?"

"Sir, Just ONE sale," said the young salesman.

"Only one sale?" blurted the boss. "No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale worth?"

"9,300,534/- Sterling Pounds," said the young Marwadi.

"What!!! How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat. I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4 x 4 Blazer.

I then asked him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to the camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6-sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about 100 Sterling Pounds worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment: "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook????!"

"No" answered the salesman, "he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, "Sir, Your weekend's spoiled anyway, you might as well go fishing."

Boss: "You better sit in my chair....... .!!"




ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#204

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu Jun 05, 2014 4:37 pm

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business...

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer...

The Church Denied all Responsibility!

So, the judge commented,

"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because Here We have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & An Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it !"



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#205

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Jun 23, 2014 6:42 pm

After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, "ABCDEFGHIJK."

"What does that mean?" She asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!" he replied.

Wife Smiling asked, "So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?"

He replied, "I'm Just Kidding!



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#206

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Wed Jul 23, 2014 6:26 pm

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#207

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Aug 04, 2014 3:53 pm

A rich Arab travelling in an Air-India plane sees a pretty air-hostess
and rushes to the captain. "I want to buy that air-hostess" he says.
Captain: You can't buy the air-hostess, she belongs to the plane.
Arab: Then I want to buy the plane.
Captain: You can't buy the plane, it belongs to Air-India.
Arab Then I want to buy Air-India
Captain: You can't buy Air-India, it belongs to the government of India.
Arab: Then I want to buy the Government of India..


Captain: Sorry, chum. The Government of India has already been sold to the Ambanis. :lol: :lol:



ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

#208

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Fri Aug 08, 2014 6:17 pm

Image



New
Posts: 440
Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 9:49 pm

#209

Unread post by New » Wed Aug 20, 2014 1:36 am

Muffy is well known for his bursts of anger in bayans like a volcano.
Jawalamuffy



New
Posts: 440
Joined: Fri Jan 24, 2014 9:49 pm

#210

Unread post by New » Wed Aug 20, 2014 1:47 am

Navu farman. . 24/7 MATAM thi pan zyada MATAM 25/8 karo