jokes (keep it clean)

Lighten up a little and talk about movies, music, books and recipes and more... this forum provides the flip side to the intense and serious discussion taking place in other forums. No topic is off-limit here so long as it is within the accepted norms of decency and decorum.
ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#61

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Wed Jan 04, 2012 5:01 pm

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe .
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#62

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Fri Jan 06, 2012 6:29 pm

The Great British Joke.

An Israeli arrives at Heathrow airport.
At the passport control the British immigration officer asks: "Occupation?"
The Israeli tourist answers: "No just a visit."

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#63

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Tue Jan 10, 2012 5:57 pm

Modern Marvels

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled his head out and looked in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life. "Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read "Manicures $10."

"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 Cents."

"Oh, man...do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his m#nhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.

anajmi
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#64

Unread post by anajmi » Tue Jan 10, 2012 6:41 pm

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: It's supposed to be clean bro GM.

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#65

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:42 pm

anajmi wrote:It's supposed to be clean bro GM
Bro anajmi,

I thought it would pass the clean test as the words are not explicitly mentioned but you caught me :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#66

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu Jan 12, 2012 5:41 pm

THE LEADER.

The Human Body was wondering who was its Leader ?

The Heart said : Its me because I circulate the Blood.

The Brain said : No Its me because I Control Everything.

The Liver said : No, Its me because I feed.

And the Anus said : No its me.

And all Laughed.

Then the Anus refused to open for 7 days.
The Liver had exploded, the Brain was stewed and
The Heart had stopped Beating.

Moral :-

EVEN AN A@@S HOLE CAN BE A LEADER.

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#67

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu Jan 12, 2012 6:01 pm

The story of a small town in USA.

It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States is doing business today.

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#68

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Sat Jan 14, 2012 6:43 pm

The Lord works in mysterious ways!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch.

He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.

As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.

Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#69

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Sun Jan 15, 2012 5:43 pm

Which type of woman do you like?

1. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER.

2. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

3. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only your basic needs.

4. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colorful, and lots of fun.

5. INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.

6. SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

7. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

8. CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.

9. E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

10. VIRUS Woman: Also known as “WIFE”; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

Al Zulfiqar
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#70

Unread post by Al Zulfiqar » Wed Jan 18, 2012 3:07 pm

bro. gm,

how can you forget from this list an amte bohra woman?

BOHRA AMTE WOMAN- never found at home. lives in the markaz/masjid. does not know how to cook, courtesy KBMBNS dabba scheme. possesses atleast 30 ridas of different grades and values, beautifully sings devotional songs known as madehs, spends most of her waking time in prayer or doing tasbih, thinks fitness gyms are some sort of medical clinics where only the sick are admitted. has very strong arms resulting from incessant banging of the chest and head. always wears clean underclothes as dai and his mansoos could enter her qabr in case death suddenly overtakes her.

Conscíous
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#71

Unread post by Conscíous » Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:15 pm

HahaHa :mrgreen: ^^

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#72

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Tue Jan 24, 2012 5:00 pm

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.


Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in bed.


Q: Why do women live longer than men?
A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#73

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Wed Feb 01, 2012 4:30 pm

Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband. "Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

**********

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman...... "Before Marriage And After Marriage".

**********
My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

**********

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

**********

Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention. One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.

**********

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.

The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."

The Man Says Without Hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

**********

Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?` Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

**********

Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..

From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What Are You Doing.. Husband: “MISSING YOU”..

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#74

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Feb 06, 2012 5:57 pm

Looking For Work.

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany , we take part of the brain out of a person, we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia , we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. Doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA, about 3 years ago, we grabbed a person from Chicago with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now...the whole country is looking for work."

Al Zulfiqar
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#75

Unread post by Al Zulfiqar » Mon Feb 06, 2012 9:18 pm

An Indian doctor says: "That is nothing. we perform miracles even without surgery! The other day we took in a sick man from the streets, apparently a hindu sadhu, who was running a high temperature and was in a delirious state. We treated him, washed him and gave him new clothes. The moment he woke up and saw he was in a bohra kurta saya topi, he immediately rushed to saifee mahal in mumbai, fell in kadambosi at the bohra syedna's feet, and started peeling off his skin to make jooti's for his god." !!!!!

profastian
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#76

Unread post by profastian » Tue Feb 07, 2012 3:11 am

mustafanalwalla wrote:
Al Zulfiqar wrote:An Indian doctor says: "That is nothing. we perform miracles even without surgery! The other day we took in a sick man from the streets, apparently a hindu sadhu, who was running a high temperature and was in a delirious state. We treated him, washed him and gave him new clothes. The moment he woke up and saw he was in a bohra kurta saya topi, he immediately rushed to saifee mahal in mumbai, fell in kadambosi at the bohra syedna's feet, and started peeling off his skin to make jooti's for his god." !!!!!

HUH!

Was that supposed to be funny?
Yeah, so lame. Not really becoming of you AZ.
Jokes are your thing...
Your only thing

Al Zulfiqar
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#77

Unread post by Al Zulfiqar » Tue Feb 07, 2012 9:31 pm

you guys need to ask what it is with STD that abdes rush to make sajdas and jootis for syedna, instead of concentrating on irrelevant and extraneous issues..

you guys not getting the joke is the bigger joke..!!

maybe its the incessant chest and head banging??

Al Zulfiqar
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#78

Unread post by Al Zulfiqar » Sat Feb 11, 2012 4:18 pm

no. you guys continue giving your khaals for jootis and i will take the zaadis shopping to buy them...

agreed?

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#79

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Sat Feb 11, 2012 6:28 pm

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her,

"But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

"Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#80

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:47 pm

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#81

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:52 pm

In a poor zoo of India , a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day.

The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also. On its first day after arrival,the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast.

The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few bananas. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India .

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.

The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, 'Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you delivering bananas to me?'

The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but .. Did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!!!'

Moral of Story : Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere !!!

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#82

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Feb 13, 2012 4:59 pm

For several years, a wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#83

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Wed Feb 22, 2012 3:37 pm

Men and women on earth die and go to heaven.

God comes and says:
"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."

Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man.

God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I Created in you my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! "

"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#84

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Mar 05, 2012 7:30 pm

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so........it is time to shut UP!

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#85

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Mar 05, 2012 7:34 pm

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

anajmi
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#86

Unread post by anajmi » Mon Mar 05, 2012 7:38 pm

bro gm,

Do you recycle every 3 or 6 months?

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#87

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:01 pm

anajmi wrote:bro gm,

Do you recycle every 3 or 6 months?
Bro anajmi,

Thanks for drawing my attention, sorry for the repetition.

ghulam muhammed
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Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#88

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:48 pm

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted. ____________________________________________________________

Al Zulfiqar
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#89

Unread post by Al Zulfiqar » Thu Mar 08, 2012 6:03 pm

pushing it, are we, bro. gm? :mrgreen:

ghulam muhammed
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Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#90

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Wed Mar 28, 2012 3:28 pm

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.


Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen,taxi driver, from New York ."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,

"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow,pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,

"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."

"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"

"Results," shrugged Saint Peter....... ....

"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."

Moral of the story:
It's Performance, Not Position that Counts