jokes (keep it clean)

Lighten up a little and talk about movies, music, books and recipes and more... this forum provides the flip side to the intense and serious discussion taking place in other forums. No topic is off-limit here so long as it is within the accepted norms of decency and decorum.
ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#91

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Wed Apr 25, 2012 3:19 pm

Customer Care in 2020 (ABDES MAY FACE A SIMILAR SITUTATION WITH THEIR "E-JAMAAT" CARDS :mrgreen: )


Operator: Hello Pizza Hut!
Customer: Hello, can you please take my order?

Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?
Customer: Yeah! Hold on..... My number is 889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator : OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. You are calling from you home number now.
Customer: (Astronished) How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : We are connected to the system, Sir.

Customer: May I order your Seafood Pizza...
Operator : That's not a good idea Sir.

Customer: How come?
Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, sir.

Customer: What?... What do you recommend then?
Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it.
Customer: How do you know for sure?
Operator : You borrowed a book entitled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week, sir.

Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then.
Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs. 2,450.

Customer: Can I pay by! credit card?
Operator : I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $1,51,758 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator : You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've even your overdraft limit.

Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.
Customer: What?
Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a motorcycle registration number 1123.
Customer: " ????" (hmmm.. these guys know my motorcyle number too!)

Operator : Is there anything else, sir?
Customer: Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator : We normally would sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic... In the best interest of your health, we are holding this offer for you.

Customer: (now pissed) ***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))
Operator: Better watch your language sir. Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs.5,000 for using abusive language against a policeman...?

Customer: Faints...

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#92

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Sat Apr 28, 2012 7:42 pm

Socho agar TITANIC pe sirf bohra hote to kya hota....
...
...
...
...
Sagla mumineen si iltemas chhe ke mawaid maa bhega thaai, jaman baad sochsu kem nikalye !!!

mmv
Posts: 60
Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 12:16 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#93

Unread post by mmv » Tue May 01, 2012 12:52 am

ghulam muhammed wrote:Socho agar TITANIC pe sirf bohra hote to kya hota....
...
...
...
...
Sagla mumineen si iltemas chhe ke mawaid maa bhega thaai, jaman baad sochsu kem nikalye !!!
Muminaa Bairo thi itemas che ke shor na kare. Sagla Mumieneen Jaman Baad Fakera Najwa Aaraj kare, Je mumineen Wajebaat Aada na kari hoi, te Hamna ne Hamna Aada kare..Have Jindagi na Chand Lamha Bacha che.. Barakaat lai le.

aqs
Posts: 848
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:42 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#94

Unread post by aqs » Tue May 01, 2012 3:56 am

mmv wrote:
ghulam muhammed wrote:Socho agar TITANIC pe sirf bohra hote to kya hota....
...
...
...
...
Sagla mumineen si iltemas chhe ke mawaid maa bhega thaai, jaman baad sochsu kem nikalye !!!
Muminaa Bairo thi itemas che ke shor na kare. Sagla Mumieneen Jaman Baad Fakera Najwa Aaraj kare, Je mumineen Wajebaat Aada na kari hoi, te Hamna ne Hamna Aada kare..Have Jindagi na Chand Lamha Bacha che.. Barakaat lai le.
Qasre Aali will lead, followed up with Baite Zaini, Jamea ustaads, Jamea students, Jamea passouts, Mashaiqs, Mafsu, and Title holders and then IF some place is available normal Bohras.

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#95

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu May 31, 2012 4:01 pm

Which is the Most Confusing Day In America ?
**
**
**
FATHERS DAY !

Nobody knows Whom to Wish.

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#96

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu May 31, 2012 5:04 pm

No bad habits!!!!!!!!!!

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him.
But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you."
"I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.

The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

Hussaini
Posts: 46
Joined: Tue May 22, 2012 2:50 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#97

Unread post by Hussaini » Fri Jun 01, 2012 4:40 am

ghulam muhammed wrote:Which is the Most Confusing Day In America ?
**
**
**
FATHERS DAY !

Nobody knows Whom to Wish.
hope this is not the progressive houses situation in udaipur :mrgreen: jk

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#98

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Fri Jun 01, 2012 2:44 pm

Hussaini wrote:ghulam muhammed wrote:
Which is the Most Confusing Day In America ?
*
*
*
*
*
*FATHERS DAY !Nobody knows Whom to Wish.

hope this is not the progressive houses situation in udaipur jk
Dont know about udaipuris but this could probably be the case in saifee mahal with all the complicated marriages, see the thread "Satta Ka Khel-Jigsaw Puzzle at Saifee Mahal"... :mrgreen:

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#99

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Wed Jun 06, 2012 5:00 pm

Globalization

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.

That, my friends, is Globalization!!

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#100

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu Jun 07, 2012 6:15 pm

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile programmed to hit Russia, Soviet satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 5 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.
This was their scenario.................
*

*

*
But if there is a nuclear war between India and Pakistan.


This would be the scenario...

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile on India. They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the 'countdown'.

But the Indian technology is highly advanced.
In less than 8 seconds, Indian Army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution and as per protocol, seeks Govt's permission. {They now had it.. as you will just see.}

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully takes off, and 367 miles away from its programmed target, on its own Government Office building at 11.00AM. Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early. [In any case, there was no threat because the nuclear warhead of the missile had detached itself somewhere in the flight & now it is at the bottom of the Arabian sea; deactivated ]

* *

On the Indian Govt front and the Indian Army's request..

The Govt submits the Army cheif's request to the Indian President.
The President forwards it to the Cabinet.
The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session.
The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it keeps getting adjourned and adjourned.......... indefinitely. (Three cheers to our Govt..)
*

*

*

The President is worried for the safety of his nation and asks for a quick decision.

[Another Pak missile, in the mean while, failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a re-launch are still ON.]
*

*

*
In the meanwhile, the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving it an 'outside support', withdrew its support. (it's a common practise, as you are aware)

The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week.
As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed. (An inevitable and a recurring issue; as we all know.)

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile.

All parties agree

BUT

the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand!!! [*%$@#..etc)
A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the nation facing an 'emergency' of a very serious nature.
*

*

*
Its now three months since the army had sought permission from the Govt..

But

as preparations begin, "pro-humanity", "anti-nuclear" activists come out against the Government's decision.

Human chains are formed and "Rasta roko Andolans" get organised all over the country.

*

*

*

[From the US, countless e-mails from Indian Americans are sent to Indian counterparts, condemning the Indian Government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible".]
*

* *

***

In Pakistan, the missiles keep malfunctioning. All of them deviate from their trajectory due to technical failures OR due to high-speed winds blowing over Rajasthan. (!!!)
{Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing large schools of fish.}

Finally, A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service.

Since the Pakistan army is unable to re-calibrate / re-program its software, it heads for its original destination: "Russia".

The smart Ruskees successfully intercept the missile and in retaliation, launch a nuclear missile towards Islamabad.
*

*

*

*

*
The missile hits the target and it's a world of Chaos & havoc wherever you look in that country !!

Pakistan cries for help.

India expresses most deeply felt condolences & regrets what happened and sends in an humanitarian Aid worth a million dollars in the form of
[Guess what?]

*

*

*

*

"Parle-G biscuits."

*

*

*

*

Thus , India never gets to launch a missile.

Pakistan never gets it 'right'
&
People of both countries continue to live their lives as they were... !!

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#101

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Fri Jun 08, 2012 3:09 pm

The wise Parsee

A Parsee was asked: "What's preferable? Parkinsons or Alzheimer's?"

The wise Parsee answered:

"Definitely Parkinsons. Better to spill half a peg of scotch
than to forget where you kept the bottle!"

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#102

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Thu Jun 14, 2012 5:35 pm

Anna Hazare Joke

Anna Hazare is fighting against corruption and the country is also saying that this government is the most corrupt ever. And the Congress Ministers are all sycophants, projecting Rahul Gandhi as the saviour of the country. This is about a minister speaking to public, telling a story.

A man had 3 sons. He gave them 100 rupees each and asked them to get something that will fill a whole room.

One son bought grass in 100 rupees but couldn't fill the room. Second one bought cotton but the room again remained empty. The 3rd son bought one candle for just 1 rupee and the whole room was full of light.

Then the leader said: Our Shree Rahul Gandhi is also like that son. Ever since he joined politics, out country has been shining with progress and prosperity.

And then Anna Hazare got up and asked '"WHERE ARE THE REMAINING 99 RUPEES?

SBM
Posts: 6243
Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 4:01 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#103

Unread post by SBM » Fri Jun 15, 2012 7:24 am

Awesome Answers In IAS Examination
Read And Share
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23rd Rank Opted for IFS)
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
Q. What looks like half apple ?
A: The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Dinner.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid (UPSC 33 Rank)
Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question." "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.
"What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said,"It's the DAY sir!"
"How" the interviewer asked.
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
He was selected for IIM!

aqs
Posts: 848
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:42 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#104

Unread post by aqs » Mon Jun 18, 2012 12:08 am

A Comprehensive achievements guide on Rahul Gandhi - The Next Prime Minister of India.

http://rahulgandhiachievements.com/

aqs
Posts: 848
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:42 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#105

Unread post by aqs » Mon Jun 18, 2012 12:22 am

Image

Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#106

Unread post by Conscíous » Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:46 pm

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light.

'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.

SBM
Posts: 6243
Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 4:01 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#107

Unread post by SBM » Fri Jul 06, 2012 11:44 am

INDIAN EDUCATION SYSTEM
SURPRISING OUTCOMES...


The smartest students pass with 1st Class and get admissions to medical and engineering colleges.

The 2nd Class students get MBAs and LLB's to manage the First Class students.
The 3rd Class students enter politics and rule both 1st and 2nd Class students.
The Failures join the underworld and control politicians and businesses.
And best of all..
Those who did not attend any school, become Swamis and everybody follows them.

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#108

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Tue Jul 10, 2012 7:11 pm

*INDIA- YEAR 2040 *

Kassab dies in jail at 70. He had a heart attack due to high cholesterol caused by too much Mutton Biriyani.

A. Raja's grandson arrested for 16 G scam.

Kalmadi's great grandson in charge of Olympics in Delhi.*

Girl in Delhi walks 25 feet safely, without getting molested.

Lakshadweep Lions to join as the 63rd team in IPL.

Pawar's grandson who had become a Malayalee in 2011 resigns from the Trustee post of Padmanabha Swamy Temple, says there is nothing more to loot.

Teacher: "Where is the CAPITAL of INDIA?"
Student: "In Switzerland" as all Capital has been transferred there.

Because of so many acts and no law, one Lawyer is allowed to take only one case during his life time. Each case will be attended by only one Judge. If the Judge dies during the 40 years of the case, his son will automatically become a Judge and will continue the case.

Fortune 500 "All the 500 richest men in the world are from India"* .

Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#109

Unread post by Conscíous » Tue Jul 10, 2012 7:17 pm

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world....

Then He made the earth round..........and laughed and laughed and laughed..... :lol:

Rabeha Solar
Posts: 104
Joined: Mon Jul 02, 2012 10:50 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#110

Unread post by Rabeha Solar » Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:23 pm

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart. Elizabeth, a real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him. "Hey, are you okay, what's your name?" "Willis," he replied. "Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive. "Well okay," Willis finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND s*xy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

Under the cart!

Conscíous
Posts: 1491
Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2009 4:41 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#111

Unread post by Conscíous » Fri Jul 13, 2012 4:28 pm

There was a flood in a village.

One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"

"No" replied the man. God will save me!

The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.

A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."

No, God will save me!" he said

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"

abde53
Posts: 296
Joined: Mon Jan 13, 2003 5:01 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#112

Unread post by abde53 » Thu Jul 19, 2012 5:46 pm

Dedicated to ALL Married Couples


They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true.
As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Men want THREE qualities in their wives: Economist in kitchen, Artist in home & Devil in bed.
But they get an Artist in kitchen, Devil in home & Economist in Bed.


Question: Why do women live longer than men?
Answer: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!


Before marriage : Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, & I love u.
After marriage : Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, & one day I'll kill u.


Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wishyou had ordered that.



Man : Is there any way for long life?
Dr : Get married.
Man : Will it help?
Dr : No, but the thought of a long life will never come.


Question : Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
Answer : It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!



Wife : Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband : Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

MurtazaVds
Posts: 141
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2012 6:59 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#113

Unread post by MurtazaVds » Sun Jul 22, 2012 3:16 pm

Two proggies in conversation before Ramzan

Proggie 1 - tame roza karso bhai
Proggie 2 - Na bhai na thai sake , mane to bau kammo che.,

Proggie 1 - varu, to tame Namaz to parso ke nai
Proggie 2 - Na bhai maane to maara kamm vaste beja gammo mai jau parse...

Proggie 1 - Varu , to tame Iftar pan na kari sako
Proggie 2 - Na bhai Na , hawe hame itnu bhi kafir nota thaya k iftar pan na kari sakiye :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

abde53
Posts: 296
Joined: Mon Jan 13, 2003 5:01 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#114

Unread post by abde53 » Sun Jul 22, 2012 3:55 pm

^
Bhai Murtaza
this joke is more suitable for people from our side, In my jamaat I know 50% of the people do not fast because they make a good excuse
of KASAR Namaz just because they work 20 km from their home and do up-down daily when the gharib muslman who pushes the thela does do Roza.
the bad thing is Bhai Murtaza that people on our side are still doing Ziyafat during Ramazan.Ramazan is month of Ibbadat and not Ziyafaat
2 Ramadan-al-Moazzam, 1433 ( 20-07-2012 ) at Kandivali

Shz Malik ul ashtar bs give ziyafat sharaf to M.Akbaralibhai adamalibhai jeeranwala and this son M.Khanali M akbaralibhai jeeranwala.On 1st Ramadanul moazzam in Kandivali (mumbai).

MurtazaVds
Posts: 141
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2012 6:59 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#115

Unread post by MurtazaVds » Mon Jul 23, 2012 3:03 pm

A progie who's been fasting the entire day and is almost dead with hunger decides to call into his favourite radio station for a request.

Presenter: "What do u want to listen to?"

progie: "Maghrib adhaan please. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#116

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Mon Jul 23, 2012 5:50 pm

Bhookh na hoi ne jame te MARWARI,
Bhookh laage toj jame te PARSI,
Bhookh laagi hoi ne na jame te VAANIYA,
Bhookh laagi hoi chhate bija ne jamade te MUMEEN,
Tamara paisa thi tamare jamari ne Bewakuf banawe ae sirf...... BOHRAJI (Via Tiffin).

aqs
Posts: 848
Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:42 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#117

Unread post by aqs » Tue Jul 24, 2012 1:19 am


ghulam muhammed
Posts: 11653
Joined: Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:34 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#118

Unread post by ghulam muhammed » Sun Jul 29, 2012 4:26 pm

A father passing by his teenage daughter’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed “Dad”.
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Sam because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Sam and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you’ll like him too – even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes.

But it’s not only the passion Dad, I’m pregnant and Sam said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Sam is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn’t so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn’t stand in the way of our relationship, don’t you agree?

Sam has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
It’s true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he’ll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too.

Sam taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and he’ll be growing it for us and we’ll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Sam can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,
Rosie.

At the bottom of the page were the letters “PTO”.

Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
.................
.................
.................

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbour’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home.

I love you!

olum
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jul 27, 2012 1:44 am

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#119

Unread post by olum » Mon Jul 30, 2012 1:13 am

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."most be southern folks...

someone
Posts: 20
Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:32 pm

Re: jokes (keep it clean)

#120

Unread post by someone » Mon Jul 30, 2012 4:42 am

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are discussing how they divide their congregation's collection between money for personal use and money to be spent for God's work.
The priest says, "I draw a circle on the ground, take all the money collected and throw it up in the air. Whatever lands in the circle, I keep for personal use, whatever lands outside the circle, I spend for God's work, charity and on the church."
The minister says, "I draw a line on the ground, take all the money collected and throw it up in the air. Whatever lands on my side of the line, I keep for personal use, whatever lands on the other side of the line, I spend for God's work, charity and on the church."
The rabbi says, "I take all the money collected and throw it up in the air. Whatever God wants he can keep, whatever falls back down I keep for myself."