Dear Bohra Friends, Many salams and freedom!
This is a follow up to my entering and later leaving the Syedna race because of inadequate bribe money available to candidates who are from un-Royal family (like me). I plan to file a brief (don’t look) in some court to protest refusal to share looted Bohra money with me by Dawoodi Muffatlal (name has been slightly modified to point to guilty) and his Fatemi uncle SKQ.
Their charge that I am too honest, have no documentation of screwing any Mumins and have only been married only once and therefore, not entitled to looted money is fortunately true. But it ignores the fact I am still alive and may become like them if moral scruples suffer an Alzheimer episode when I approach their senile age.
While the other two candidates are dueling out in Indian court (That Patel judge must be throwing up after listening to these two) I have decided to engage in a scheme under community service banner to take control of the Syedna position. My scheme sets up a Syedna duel between the other two with winner forced to take me on. Here is the scheme and rules:
(1) The duel will be held on last Syenda’s birthday to make it a festive event. All Mumin are invited to this free event. Houston is not the site of this event.
(2) Mumins with progressive tendencies and without card or with red cards will be given front seats. Yellow card holders will watch from the urinals. The green card holders you are out of luck. Don’t be an idiot next time.
(3) Both Syedna candidates must obtain a safai chitty from me to enter the race. There is no application fee. However, both candidates will deposit no food-fart deposit of US$1 million. The winning candidate will be refunded the deposit provided he does not eat or fart during the 3-day duel. The loser: dua karo while farting!
(4) Before the duel, both candidates will be checked to assure their circumcision is still good. An anal expert from San Francisco LGBT community has volunteered to perform complete and extensive check. This exam is waived for candidates 90 and above and those who claim dysfunctional dick. If needed a second khatna will be performed at both ends. The second place being mouth (got you!).
(5) Before the duel begins, all kothar accounts, both legal and hidden in London and every where will be turned over to me to establish a US$500 million Bohra education fund. Our slogan: No Bohra child left behind (including brain washed kothar kids).
(6) Before the duel, both candidates will sing the Syedna anthem:
Ya Taheri, Ya Burhani, Ya me, Ya me
I am an ass hole, you are an asshole
Let us screw the Momins now and forever
(7) Extra wives and all children of each candidate will be allowed to escape while the candidates are busy dueling.
(8) If any wives or female children who are found to have undergone FGM under the khatna tradition disguise, they will be provided restoration services and will be entitled to claim damages from their torturer husband/father or personally castrate him (the bastard).
(9) The loser will free all of his wives and children. To avoid pain & suffering and sexual frustration, he will be castrated at no charge again at all ends (dick, mouth and brain).
(10) At start, both candidates will strip to confirm they are assholes of first degree.
(11) The duel will begin by both candidates slapping each other and shouting:
tu Iblis tu harami; tu Iblis tu harami
(12) During the duel, the candidates will continue to curse (lanat) on each other. The candidate with more lanats will be given extra lashes.
(13) During the duel, both candidates will be required to demo their expertise in misinterpretation of Quran for personal benefit. Mafatlal seems to have unfair advantage in this category.
(14) Both candidates will be required to demo speaking ability in clear voice without crying or claiming voice box damage. Sorry SKQ!
(15) To celebrate this unhistorical but fun event, all Jamaat dues are waived for next 40 years. Those suffering from dues paying syndrome, will be required to keep their left hand in pocket and given free Viagra to keep them busy during the duel.
The loser will not be sent to Hell to protect the people who are already there. The winner will fight me and will be required to lose to me and become silent (this should accommodate SKQ, the likely winner).
I am your next Syedna. Now you are free to be humans again
For those who do not remember my qualifications and promises, here they are:
Qualifications:
(1) I am an ultimate outsider and un-royal with no blood connection to kothar.
(2) I have actually doled out more salams then I have taken in my life. So, I am a good deal for all mumins.
(3) I am relatively young compared to other candidates and in good physical shape.
(4) I guarantee to vacate the position when senility sets in.
(5) You do not have to call my children Shezada or Shezadi. They currently have a higher title and do not wish to down grade.
(6) I have earned enough money working and will not loot the community for now.
Our program (Our: good marketing to rope you all in)
(1) We will rename Kothar (sounds like Lothar). A naming contest will be held and will be open to everyone under 10 years old. Girls will have two votes to make up for past sins.
(2) We will reorganize the Kothar. Health will be top priority followed by education (other way around for slim people).
(2) Mandatory training for all in health maintenance, food consumption and exercise programs. All jamans will be pre-approved by the health committee headed by Dr. Fit Fidahussain, Dr. Slim Saifuddin and Nurse Ivey Insiya. Those who are overweight will stand and walk in circle during waez. Qurta, saya will be replaced by Lulumon pants and T-shirts to help exercise. Ladies will have choice of colors as long as they are see-through.
(3) You will not be allowed to attend markaz unless you demonstrate ability and desire to use brain frequently. Those with diminished brain usage will be given front seats with brain and ear unplugging device.
(4) You will not be required to do salams to me. However, all potential salam money must be saved in your children's education accounts. If you fail to set up and fund education accounts, we will take your children, your money and ship you to Mafatlal home. Spouse transfer will not be permitted to protect her from Mafatlal.
(5) Ashura matam will be optional and practiced one day a year. It will be conducted such that no beating sound is heard. Remember, this is an event to express sorrow, not hurt oneself.
(6) All dues collected by local Jamaat will be spent locally for the benefit of local members. Each Jamat will elect its own Aamil from a list of qualified persons for a two year term. All elected Aamils will become members of my Kothar council. No one will run the Kothar (no need) while the council plays Guitar on the beach. Kothar will be run using the funds (estimated US$400 million) looted over last 90 years by last two Syednas. That should be enough to run affairs for next 30+ years. At that point I will take the rest of the money with me to next life. Just put it on my chest instead of Ruku Chitthi. It should keep me warm.
(7) We also plan to reverse the wealth flow. Now on it will be from Kothar to people. You will receive money for attending events. There will be a frequent attendee program. You can skip one paid event for every five attended. Those attending via Internet will be given preferred Bohra status.
(8) Sheikh title will be discontinued unless some rich guy insists. In that case, we will take the idiot's money and reprogram his brain using kaumi Jaban.
Funerals will be (one per person - I don't think anyone is coming back).
(9) A retraining program will be launched for all kids, grand kids and great grandkids of old kothar families. Those with no college degree, will be retrained at an Abde gas station or dollar store, or El Pollo Loco.
So, start calling me Hey man Dai, what’s up.
My response: your money
Yours truly, Syedna BAB (Born again Bohra) Deen
Fine Print: This document was deliberately undated to prevent Bohra migration to dark ages. This religious comedy was paid for by the Divided Bohra community using undeclared salam money.
Babdeen, I am won over.