marrying out...approaching parents

[mb]

Hi,

I am of marriageable age in a fairly religious family. The pressure is on for me to find a good bohra boy and get engaged quickly so that nosey aunties that have no life will stop speculating as to whom I will marry. I have met severl bohra men, but do not feel like any of them are suitable for me. I have no one in mind but I was wondering what experiences other people have had when marrying out of the bohra community, and moreso how their parents and the community have reacted? The more bohra men I meet the more I think that I will be in the same position of marrying out, and want to know the best way of approaching the subject.

Thanks

[tahir]

In case you are still open to men from within the community, here is someone with a similar pursuit:

i wish to get married !!!

GOOD LUCK

[accountability]

MB: marriage is an institutiion. it is and should not be a time pass or fool around. I do not know where you are, but if you are in canada or united states. you are in diffrent environment. you have also highlighted a big problem facing our community. our spectrum is narrow and shallow. our community as it stands now, has made choices very few and sparse. i have a daughter, and she is going to be married soon. though her fiancee is from our community, but hardly. i respected her choice, i whoe heartedly concur with her. i respect her decision. the only thing i requested her was that whatever decision she takes, she should consider her decision will also effect our entire family. we also told her that in any case we will be with her. Please do not take marriage as an adventure or some idealistic extravaganza. be very thoughtfull, consider all pros and cons. your family should be your priority, at the same time your family should also consider your prefrences. if you are in early twenties, you have time enough to think about. have a career, be deligent and provoke your thoughts. person's integrity gives more satisfaction than a few moments of false joy.

[ammar]

dear mb,

yes,i am so eagerly wanting to marry..

maybe we can get to know more abt each other if u permit?

my email address is ammar28my@hotmail.com

mail me if u r interested ok

[dinkychick]

hello mb, i know where your coming from because i had a boyfriend who wasnt a bohra because i felt the same way you did! and approaching parents about it was the hardest thing i ever had to do but youve got to remember that its your happiness that is most important because it is you who has to live with the person not your parents or aunts or uncles! i hope you hope find the happiness your looking for!

[ammar]

well, can some nice girl plz plz plz approach me for a get-to-know ..

i am feeling so lonely in my heart !!

geeezz...am i still alive??

any girl,please save me from the dark passage of lonileness....

tata,
ammar

[mb]

hi all,

thanks for the feedback. Any more people with experiences of telling parents? how did people in the community react? how did you actually bring the subject up with your parents? I know marriage is a big commitment, which is why I am worried. The attitude withing bohra community does not take it as seriously as I feel it should be taken. With the added stigma of divorce, I feel that it's really important to find the right person, because chances are it will be for the rest of my life.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, it is greatly appreciated.

[dinkychick]

when i told my parents, i kinda sat them down and asked them in a general sense how they feel about the subject and then told them but uve got to remember forget bout ppl in the commmunity cuz either way ppl talk no matter what, uve got to remember like u said, it is a life time commitment and u have to be happy!

[anajmi]

I had a similar issue, I wanted to get married to a girl outside the bohra community. Of course, not outside of Islam. The girl was a sunni. My mom was shocked. My father didn't care. Then my mom started laying out conditions, that the children will have to learn gujarati and she will have to come with us to pray, when all this time I was going and praying with them.

Anyway, the girl's father then comes and talks to me, they all like me and are ready, and then he says to me, you will have to come to our alim and recite the shahadah once again. Well, it did not even take me a minute to refuse. I wasn't ready to acknowledge that I was not a muslim for the sake of a girl. I am now happily married, with a daughter, to a girl of my mother's choice. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[mbohra]

Re: Accountability’s post on Jan 7, 2006:

Although you are entitled to your opinion, I respectfully disagree with your assertion that: “…. the only thing i requested her was that whatever decision she takes, she should consider her decision will also effect our entire family..â€

[Hussain]

Hi Mb
I am sorry for your dilemma , being a bohra myself , I feel bad about your generalisation of us dudes.
We are a lot and are in every country and come in all shapes sizes and levels of religious strictness starting from 0 till a 100.
Keep looking I am sure you will find someone within our community of your preferences and try opening your horizons to bohras worldwide. End of the day, if your parents aren't happy, it's not worth it. Just have faith,you'll get the right guy some day(this line added by my wife!)

[accountability]

MB: please read my post carefully, I said that we made our selves clear to her , that whatever her decision, we will be with her. we did respect her choice, we are very glad, because she is happy, and she and her fiancee both have very understanding partnership. we will bless her, and our full support will be with her. I have a similar case like anajmi, but mine was not muslim, my grandfather was a mulla, my father had a heart problem, i did not want to take the responsibility of killing him, though he eventually died of stroke, after my marriage with my very stauch bohra wife. i do not regret my decision, actually in reflection, it gives me special kind of satisfaction, that i was able to see further from my own desire and ambition. love means never having to say you sorry. i am so glad that you are a very inteligent young lady, i wish you all the best in your life. i would say, whatever decision you take, always adhere to your integrity and good values. i personnally do not discriminate on the basis of cast creed or religion. but the world is not so simple, the compexities of life can only be confronted with profound thoughtfullness, and unambigous adherence to your own principles.

[Average Bohra]

hj,

End of the day, if your parents aren't happy, it's not worth it.

I beg to differ; at the end of the day if <u>you</u> and your spouse are not happy, it's not worth it.

[accountability]

my apologies, I was replying mbohra, not mb, anyways my advice remains.

[tahir]

Hi Mb
I am sorry for your dilemma , being a bohra myself , I feel bad about your generalisation of us dudes.
We are a lot and are in every country and come in all shapes sizes and levels of religious strictness starting from 0 till a 100.

hj,
Surprisingly, you have assumed that you know more about dawoodi bohras than mb (or anyone else) does !

[mb]

Hi tahir,
hj786 makes a valid point. Please do not start nit-picking with each other, it would make this message board a much more harmonious place. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, we must all learn to respect other people's beliefs, it will only make YOU a better person.

Thank you all for your lovely advice and input. Accountability, your insight is truly inspiring. I only hope that there is someone out there for me. All of the bohras that I would otherwise be interested in have been taken. I REFUSE to go to any TNC program, I don't need the whole world to know that I am single and available, and the way that they are run, it feels more like a meat market.

Thank you all anyway.

[tahir]

Originally posted by mb:
Hi,
The pressure is on for me to find a good bohra boy and get engaged quickly so that nosey aunties that have no life will stop speculating as to whom I will marry.

What a profound reason to seek marriage! If this is what wich motivates you to get married, do not expect your problems to be resolved after marriage, even if you get the 'perfect' guy .

[mb]

OBVIOUSLY that is not the reason that I will get married for. It is the reason behind the pressure, as my post CLEARLY STATES.

[Hussain]

MB
I agree with you not to go to the TNH meetings , not fond of them myself.
Just take it easy , InshaAllah you will find the perfect person for you , and it will be someone that you love and your parents will accept.

Tahir : Please read my reply before you reply , and whats with you nowadays , from a humourous person you seem to have become uptight, kya ho gaya , if you need any real advice , let me know.