this got emailed to me.. thought it was worth reading..
Aamera
Jiwaji
DAR ES SALAAM, TANZANIA - I am a 23 year old female, too old for a good
marriage match, and on the verge of spinsterhood.
In any other culture, I would be seen as young; the fact that I am
working would make me a young and successful professional - but in my
religious community, the Dawoodi Bohra Muslims, all I am is old, too
independent, and a liability.
I went to Bagamoyo last weekend, a small beach town on the East African
coast, 2 hours drive from Dar Es Salaam for a get together organised by
our community for youngsters. Girls from 18 up and boys from 21 up who
were interested in marriage and looking for a husband/wife were
encouraged to attend.
Not many Islamic rules encourage the intermingling of sexes in a social
setting, but our religious leader, Syedna Mohammed Burhanuddin, is
anxious that his followers marry at a young age and settle down.
The reason?
Firstly, a marriage, in Islam, is the fulfillment of deen. It offers
protection to a female who is vulnerable and provides her with a haven
from the temptations and dangers of modern living. It also provides a
safe harbour in which both can fulfill their sexual desires and needs
without crossing moralistic lines. And it is the first step towards
procreation, an immensely spiritual act.
And the reason for marrying young is to prevent straying out of
community boundaries when looking for a life partner, a step that might
forever anchor you outside of your religious faith and practices.
The resident Amil Saheb from Dar Es Salaam gave a talk at the start of
the evening, drawing on advice given by Rasulallah, the Prophet
Mohammed. He listed the qualities that were important to keep in mind
when looking for a husband/ wife.
He even tackled standard responses used when postponing marriage in an
effort to encourage those present to begin the weekend in the right
frame of mind.
"Some of you say that you want to finish your education, or start up a
business, or even wait for your business to pick up and become
profitable before you choose to marry and settle down," he said. "But
how do you know that it is not the barakat involved in marrying and
settling down that will bless your home and your business dealings?"
He talked of the sawaab of marriage, so strong that many thousands of
sins would be forgiven in holding the hand of one's wife, in kissing
her, and in being physically and sexually close to her.
Photo from Aamera's meeting near Dar Es Salaam.But then the Amil Saheb
went on to talk about the physical characteristics in females that
Rasulallah allegedly placed a lot of importance on.
"Cat's eyes" in a light colour such as blue or green, small feet, long
hair, fairness ... Difficult in a crowd of ethnic Indians, but then it
accounted for the number of girls wearing contact lenses in greys, and
browns, and greens.
So agenda number 1 :
is finding a husband - and fast.
Agenda number 2 :
Is making myself into a light eyed, fair skinned, innocent, eighteen
year old with small feet.
And the whole setup was strange. Not as strange as what I had heard
about:
Having to announce one's name, age and qualifications to a sea of
strange faces.
Instead we all wore badges with our names and towns of origin. We were
organized into groups to play simple games on the beach, such as
"Heart-Heartless", "Donkey in the Middle" and Handball - all designed to
break the ice between the guys and girls and allow us to look around
freely.
After that, it was a free-for-all in the sense that you could approach
anyone you wanted and start talking, making your interest evident. And
if you were too shy then an adult could facilitate an introduction
between you.
Obviously looks and behaviour played a large role that morning.
Second photo from Aamera's meeting near Dar Es Salaam.Boy-girl groups
formed all over the courtyard before lunch with adults hovering nearby,
waiting for the imminent announcement of a nikaa. We were all under
scrutiny, either from the opposite sex, or from the girls sizing you up
or from the adults with a hopeful glint in their eyes.
And then in the evening the adults approached and asked what sort of
progress had been made, whether there was any good news and what the
chances were of a match developing between you and any of the boys you
had spoken to in the day.
I learnt an important lesson that weekend: regardless of what culture
and community one is from, the youth are the same everywhere with the
same agenda - and in most cases those present that weekend were not
looking for a serious commitment.
I also realized that I would never find my "life partner" in any such
gathering because what I looked for was not available at first glance
nor could it be discerned in a day of casual flirtation and
conversation.
That worried me. If I couldn't find my match at such a gathering then
how was I to find him at all?
On My Return
Third photo from Aamera's meeting near Dar Es Salaam.Before I went to
Bagamoyo last week, my mind was filled with thoughts of work and the rat
race that I live in Nairobi.
A mere three days later, I was a different person caught up in a
different kind of rat race. I was wide-awake, despondent, wondering
about the meaning of life, the chances of finding a "life partner",
worrying I was on the verge of spinsterhood.
I have been back in Nairobi for two days now and am looking for
assurance in everything I see and hear, assurance that I am not too old
and that there is still life for me out there before my biological clock
shuts down, and my face becomes one huge wrinkle. I am suddenly worried
about using any make-up just in case it makes me look too mature and
confident, traits that "old" people have.
Finding a husband used to be the inevitable next step in life for me, a
step like all others which comes when one is ready to cross it.
Education progresses from primary to high school and then to university
and my development as a person would go from childhood to puberty to a
profession/career and then marriage - with the last two being
interchangeable. Then children, and eventually old age.
I know that marriage is my next step and I was just waiting for a door
to open.
I rushed through my childhood in my eagerness to be an adult and I
regret it. I don't want to make the same mistake again, and yet I find
myself rushing through my youth to become a married woman. And all of a
sudden it is no longer a natural progression, but a deadly serious race.
And it all has to be done while I still look young, fresh and innocent.
The clock is ticking.
Bohra girls in Bohra Rida uniform and boys in Western outfit plus Bohra
cap; dilemma of choosing life partners in a quick setting.
